The Miracle of Me (and You)
I was walking down a narrow path here in Bali yesterday, and I glanced at this beautiful flower, and was overcome with a sensation I have to share because I think we all need reminding of it.
Many people have been congratulating me and telling me how envious they are of my recent shift into a nomadic lifestyle, and getting to live in places like Bali and going where I want when I want. And really, I am shocked as hell that I have made it happen, and can only say that Grace has had her way with me. But also. Also, yesterday as I walked down the path I suddenly had a sense of the incredible distance I have come to arrive at this moment.
For context, let me tell a little about where I have come from. When I was young - from pre-teen all the way through my 20’s - I had so much anxiety and fear coursing through me I would have panic attacks and literally think I was going crazy. I felt completely dependent on others, particularly my boyfriends at the time, because I felt completely incapable of being by myself for any extended period of time - like even a whole day! As an example, when I returned home from college for my first winter break, I had a panic attack and thought I couldn’t make it through the whole break without my boyfriend by my side, so I called him and begged him to come and be with me, which he did, driving from California to Colorado in 19 hours. Sweetheart. But it was on that level that I was existing: it was all I could do to survive this world. It felt threatening, and I felt deeply, impenetrably alone in my anxiety and fear and grief. And I needed others to anchor me to reality so that I didn’t actually go crazy. And those feelings were hidden behind a pretty good facade of bravado, alcohol, drugs and activity, but every minute was pretty tortuous in those days.
When I think of that girl I feel so sad for her, and I can still slip into those feelings of loneliness and an inner landscape of terror at everything. I can feel the panic attacks and how alone I felt in them because no one else had them (that I knew of at the time), and no one really knew how I felt. I thought I was alone in the universe and a freak of nature. I didn’t think anyone had any idea what it was like to be me. And I thought I was so different and fucked up and broken that I was irredeemable.
Oh, that poor girl! When I think about it now I am seriously amazed she survived it all. And that I am here today, as strong and resilient and happy and independent and interdependent and soft and raw and wise and magic as I am, is an amazing testament to the human spirit! I mean really!
So sitting here this morning, feeling a little lost and like I don’t remember what the fuck I thought I was going to do in Bali anymore, and I’m alone and I don’t know very many people, and there’s a volcano that might blow any second, and don’t know if I am actually going to be able to make this digital nomad thing work, I remind myself of who I am. Where I have come from. The courage and strength and vulnerability it took to get to this moment, by myself, on this porch, making these decisions. It is nothing short of miraculous. And I feel you with me. All of the Yous. The ways you have made the insurmountable totally surmountable! The courage it has taken to un-victimize yourself, endure what you have endured, be vulnerable AGAIN, let your heart break and still love with all your might. All the ways you have struggled and surrendered, loved and lost. It all matters! It’s all sacred and it’s how you’ve gotten here. And your HERE! You’re here. Good for you. You’re a fucking miracle and I love you so much my heart aches with it.