Time is on my side

My place in Bali is perched on a steep ravine over a river, which is gloriously alive with wildlife and birds. It’s a nourishing nest for the deep inner journey Bali seems to be for me.  And as I sit here and write, I feel so grateful for this nature, for this island, and for this time I have given myself.  

And, by the way, it’s a thing, this giving yourself time.  Yeah, it’s a freakin’ THING. At first, I tried to fill my time. Then I tried to distract myself from all the time. Then I compared myself to all the things others did with their time, which inevitably led to beating my self over the head about the things I wasn’t doing with my time. And then I got extremely uncomfortable with all the time, and nothing happening. Then I decided I had to just BE in the time, meditate, do some yoga, maybe a cacao ceremony or two.  Be all spiritual and shit…. Then I watched movies.  And ate.  And meditated.  And cried. And watched movies. And danced… And time kept poking me with its pesky, “you are wasting your life and soon it will be over!” voice.  Daaaaaamn.  Many times, had you been here to see it, you would have seen me shaking my fists and cursing at the sky, damning the Universe for not giving me the fast answers to all my questions, as I had imagined it would when I envisioned this adventure.  

Sigh … So, all things not being what I thought they were going to be, and yet being so much more, here’s what I’ve gleaned so far:

Time is a fucker, and it isn’t even real!

Time is SO fucking real, it’s terrifying.

Every moment of service is equal to 100 years of time.

There really IS a gift inside each and every horrific shadow, and if you don’t go there you will never know this (and that’ll suck for everyone).

I have to accept that I am gifted (so are you).

Gifts are hard to accept and even harder to reveal.

I am an introvert (who is sometimes gloriously extroverted).

Resistance is futile (really. let that one sink in).

Receiving IS giving.

My body loves the tropics.

I love to curse and be dramatic. (and it helps me process and gives me forward momentum - fuck yeah!).  

I am innocence incarnate (so are you).

Time is working on me.